Ah, the glamorous art to self-promote your book, darling. Let me paint you a picture: It’s 3 a.m., you’re in your pajamas—fabulously mismatched, naturally—sipping on a cheap Chardonnay (because who can afford Dom after self-publishing?), staring at your computer screen like a forlorn lover. Your magnum opus, “Pushed Out of the Closet Without a Parachute,” is ready for the world. But alas, the world is too busy filling its stockings with discounted air fryers and Alexa devices.
First, you draft your press release, carefully sprinkling it with just enough drama to make Joan Crawford proud. You’re not just selling a book—you’re selling the story of the decade: Rock Hudson, betrayal, secrets, and you, the unsung hero, thrust into the spotlight! You hit “send” with the urgency of a Hollywood agent pitching the next blockbuster. But then reality sets in—who exactly did you send it to? Your cousin? Your dentist? That one guy from spin class who once commented on your Facebook post?
It gets worse. You realize you’re competing with the great holiday distraction machine: Black Friday deals, Hallmark Christmas movies, and Karen down the street showing off her tacky, inflatable snowman. You need to fight fire with fire—or at least gingerbread spice with scandal.
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So, you start crafting the bait. “Looking for the perfect gift that doesn’t scream ‘I forgot’? Try my book!” or “Skip the holiday chaos—unwrap Hollywood’s juiciest secrets instead!” Throw in a book trailer and a few hashtags like #RockHudsonExposed or #ScandalUnderTheTree, and make people clutch their pearls harder than they do when Aunt Mildred starts talking politics at Christmas dinner.
And then, my dear, the pièce de résistance: go rogue. Post on social media with a selfie holding your book, captioned, “It’s not just a book—it’s your new guilty pleasure. Don’t make me beg, Santa’s watching.” Naughty, but nice enough to keep the elves on your side.
Now, lean in close because this is important: send your press release to everyone. Media outlets, podcasts, blogs, even that lady who runs the HOA newsletter. Aim high—The Advocate, Out Magazine, NPR. But also aim wide—smaller LGBTQ+ podcasts, indie bookstores, and, yes, that one friend who knows someone who once met Andy Cohen at a party.
Finally, remember this: don’t just self-promote your book. Inviting the world to unwrap a story so delicious, they’ll forget about that Chia Pet and Instant Pot under the tree. And if they don’t, well, let them have their gadgets. You’ve got legacy, drama, and a splash of Chardonnay on your side.
Cheers!
